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Idea: He rejects everything offered him, every happiness proposed because of a deeper exigence. He ruins his marriage, gets involved in half-satsfactory liasions, waits and hopes. “I couldn’t really define it, but I feel it.” Thus it is to the end of his life. “No, I’ll never be able to define it.
It was a scam. There was nothing in the world that was not a con, suddenly I understood this. Nothing really mattered, and nothing could be lost.
This pain, this dying, this is just normal. This is how life is… Life is just this way, broken, and I am crazy to hope for something else.
Whatever does not kill me strengthens me.” Yes, but… And how painful it is to dream of happiness. The crushing weight of it all. Better to say nothing and pay attention to everything else.
Charles Bukowski, ’Rimbaud be Damned’
I was still happy to sit there beside him, but that is only because I have very, very low expectations of most people, and he had now become Most People.
There was so much sadness in everything, even when things worked.
